logo — Aubree NIchols

home about consulting writing contact

home about consulting writing contact

1 2 3 4

Previous Next

FOLLOW ALONG @AUBREENICHOLS

A week ago today, was the day I gave up drinking and drug—- 14 years ago. Hungover no more in 2004. Sobriety is the most important thing I’ve ever done for myself.
Choosing a sober life was a catalyst for everything good in my life. Yet, a week ago, I didn’t say or post anything. I didn’t celebrate or take myself out for a bubbly seltzer with lime. I let the day come and go because I believed it didn’t matter I or that I didn’t matter. I thought my recovery wasn’t as valid. I used to go to meetings, I don’t anymore. I used to call myself an alcoholic when in reality, I didn’t believe I was. My life got better without drinking, but eating disorder was my core issue. But I kept going to meetings.. they worked and then they didn’t. They became a negative force.
I shied away from celebrating this miracle of sobriety because I didn’t know who to celebrate with. I am doing recovery different than I used to, I meditate. I journal and wrote and pray. I move my body and am rewiring my brain with positive self talk.
I forewent a celebration because I didn’t know where to turn. Or who to turn to. Who would appreciate how freaking challenging it is to stop drinking and who would understand why the hell I would do such a thing? My drinking friends get it but at a distance. My AA friends get it but think I should go back to meetings. And possibly don’t even consider me truly “sober”. The problem was I was looking for others to give me affirmation when I had the power to give it to myself. I could of said (to myself), “you’re amazing, accomplished and kinda crazy for being sober 14 years. Who does that?!? You saw a bottom and didn’t have to hit one. You’re a miracle. you’re a channel. Because you’re here for a purpose and alcohol fucked with that purpose.” I could have said those things and taken myself out for sushi and fizzy water! I didn’t, but I still can. And I will. Every day of my sobriety is a gift. In this phase of recovery, things look different, but are intentional, developed from a self awareness I never had before. At 14 years sober, I celebrate that awareness and and am grateful for my sobriety.

Showing up for my sister’s wedding shower in Houston, Texas was a last minute and oh-so-good idea. It’s not always easy to travel or take myself away from my routines- but showing up for my family feels SO good. The unlimited esteem-able act. Super self love that has nothing to do with self. 😉
————————————- Once I got to the party, I didn’t even talk to my sister that much but it didn’t matter, she had my presence. She knew I was there and it meant a lot to her fiancé. And I got to meet the people I will see at the wedding. I wandered her to feel supported and special. So mission accomplished. 🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻 ————————————- Showing up in mind, body and soul is a huge gift in the days where you can just send flowers or ‘FaceTime to catch up’. When I show up fully, I surprise myself. I didn’t use to be that kind of person. I was a super mega flake. I didn’t go if I didn’t feel like it. Now I know that not following through on commitments based on feelings is crazy because feelings change like 11,000 times a day. At least mine do. 🤪
————————————— Over time and with lots of practice, I can count on myself and other people can too. This journey has had many missteps of not showing up or flaking and being reminded how bad it feels. Ugh. It’s this worst. But you live and learn and thank goodness, that’s not the case today. I’m acting like a grown ass woman and that’s a win!🥇🎖🏅

It’s ok to go your own way.
It’s ok to be unsure, to not know.
To say yes then change your mind.
It’s ok to be 41 and single and happy. It’s ok to know it’s going to work out even though you know no idea how. ❓❓❓ My life is not what I expected but I have to say that once I got to know myself, love ❤️ myself and have started ‘doing me’, things are looking up. ⬆️ I peaced out of NYC ✌🏻for more sunny days and left my life behind. But I had a vision. I was chasing a feeling of freedom, of openness. I was chasing a place where I could be more me.
And it’s happening. I’m changing. 🌊 It’s a Softening. An unwinding. I’m relaxing. It’s disorienting. I don’t get it but I’m not fighting it. I’m letting it wash over me like pink pepto because my unstoried self is being revealed.
And that’s what I’m been asking for. 🙏

It’s ok to live a life that serves your soul. So you can become your best self and live your best life and touch people because that’s what you’re meant to do.
Thank you from the depths of my heart for witnessing and holding space for my becoming.
I’m coming home. ✌🏻♥️🏄‍♀️

"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." – John Kabat-Zinn
****
One thing I have learned to count on is life seldom goes as planned. A marriage I thought would be forever ending after 3 years. My inability to drink normally. My recent move to the west coast where I’ve struggled to find a place I can call home. My ducks have never been so ‘out of a row’ and somehow, I’ve managed to endure. ****
I am thankful for these challenges and every minute of the day, have a choice to be grateful for my experiences. Today, in this moment, I am choosing the path of gratitude. I am choosing to smile even on 4 hours sleep. I am thankful that I get to work in San Francisco on a dream client. I choose happiness and to make my life sacred. All of it. Especially the waves 🌊. When I learn how to anticipate them, respect them, I can ride them. It is then that I find out what I’m made of.
****
Here’s to a week of making peace with the waves that, no doubt, will come in full force. Expect them. Accept them. Then paddle like crazy and hop on for the ride that is your life. ♥️♥️♥️

If I do believe this to be true, which I do, then there is no struggle. No strife. No wondering about why life is serving up things this way. I say thank you to the darkness and challenge because I am certain it is part of my plan.

In real life, this means I am supposed to be single, 41, without but still longing for kids. I am exactly in the right spot living in a bedroom of a wonderful mother-like figure in Sunset Cliffs instead of my own beach cottage. I was meant to divorce my ex-husband. I was meant to struggle with an eating disorder for my entire life. I am exactly where I supposed to be here in San Diego, California. It’s all for a purpose- there are lessons I need to learn and wisdom I must make my own.
Do you ever struggle with where you are? Maybe constantly wondering why you aren’t where you want to be yet? But what would happen if when the question of ‘What next’ or ‘why not yet’ came up, we answered it with gentle assurance that reminded us that ‘we are EXACTLY where we are supposed to be’? How would that change your being?

Hearing this, I am reminded that,indeed, my story is being written and trusting the process is the easy softer way. I drop my shoulders and take a deep belly breath. And blow it out. I know I’m exactly where I need to be.
You are too. Wait for it. It’s all happening. It’s going to be beyond our wildest dreams.

This was the day that chose I to put on new glasses. I decided to look at the events that happened since my move to San Diego as a manifestation of my thoughts. The depression, creative blocks, paralysis, anxiety, feeing unworthy of taking up space and sharing my truth— all of. 😟

They say, “if you want to see what someone is thinking, look at their life.” In this initial stage of San Diego and reinvention, I need to practice radical self care, savage self love, playing special attention to my heart so that I can build the life I dream of based on how I want to feel. ♥️♥️♥️ Being heart centered is key so I can tap into who I really am, my soul’s desires and create from that place. It’s not important what the apartment is or the car or health insurance, but it’s important that these things give me the feeling I’m chasing... and that’s an openness, ease, freedom.🎈🚀💃 I am choosing to reframe my experience thus far as merely a reflection of what I was thinking and it’s all good and makes sense, because I’ve been in a bit of a survival mode head space. That’s what happens to me when I get stressed. Btw, moving is one of the rope 3 stressors next to death and divorce.
So it’s ok if I got a sinus infection because I was working out hard and not sleeping enough, it’s ok if I haven’t found a home yet, or started dating yet because I just arrived. I’m fresh off the boat from a city that fed off my phrenetic state. Im still buzzing. I’m just learning how to slow down and be. To be in my body and stay with myself. 🙏

Now that I know I had wacked glasses 👓👓👓 on, I can change my approach from letting life happen to me to being a conscious co creator in this process— it my mother f-ing life after all. I will be intentional about how I want to feel and my goals and where I am going. If that is set, then I don’t have to worry about the how— the universe will take care of it and show me what it’s got. I’m sure of that. I’m going to to sleep so I can get to dreaming big and trust that the universe is down to collab with me so I can get to living my best life yet in San Diego!🏄‍♀️

© 2017 Aubree Nichols